PICK YOUR NOs

As parents, focused on the well-being and safety of our children, we often, and certainly with the best of intentions, feel the need to think for them. Especially during their teen years..."why surely they're incapable of intelligent thought, so we'll just make all the decisions!" We're all guilty of it and Diane and I were/are no different.

As Philip matured and began to 'find himself', his independence, which we welcomed, caused, and continues to cause, him and us lots of grief. So early on we learned the secret...work with him, not against him. We learned that while you can't always say 'yes', you also shouldn't be quick to say 'no'. Simply to avoid a confrontation is no reason to be quick with your response - whether it be yes or no. In Philip's case we learned to balance his quest for freedom and independence with our innate desire to protect him, by 'picking our NOs'! We realized we were saying no far too often and without much thought...at the same time yes was not always conducive to the situation.

So we made a determined effort to replace 'no' with more positive and encouraging options, such as..."good idea Philip, let's talk about it", or..."that sounds great - can we do that tomorrow or later in the week?"...and so on. His frustration and anger in response to all of our NOs were replaced with acceptance and a willingness to work with us. And to add a new twist to reduce the stress Philip felt every time he came to us with a question or 'opportunity', we relegated to mom the positive route - while dad was to handle the negative...for surely we would all concur that...'father NOs best'!

Kids ask so many questions, each one tougher than before,

I need..I want..I have to have..quick, give me more and more.

They'll try us to the limit, they'll keep us on our toes,

So pick your answers wisely...and be sure to pick your NOs!

SISTER ACT!

Siblings of a 'special needs' child often develop issues of their own as the home tends to revolve around the 'special' one...and believe me...younger brothers and sisters don't always recognize the differences... and he's not that 'special' to them. Less attention given the 'normal' kids could easily create some tension, some stress, some feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. Fortunately this was not the case with Philip's brother Johnny (6 years younger) and sister Julie (3 years younger). As they grew and matured, their understanding and acceptance of their older brother was exceptional. Inclusion in their lives and the lives of their friends was remarkable. Philip was, and continues to be, one of them. In fact, the behaviour and nonsense from Philip's sibs over the years has often made us wonder if we, and society, haven't got it backwards. On many a rivalrous occasion Philip has certainly proven to be the sane one!

Anyway...at the age of 16, Julie decides she wants a belly button ring. Being 'enlightened' parents, we agree to it - but mom must attend the piercing. First attempt is a failure, as the attendant claimed Julie did not have enough excess skin around her navel to pinch together to accommodate the puncture. They came out of the salon laughing for Diane had commented that she personally had enough around her navel to insert a Goodyear tire, let alone a ring. (Of course I very wisely chose not to participate in that 'moment of merriment'...not that I didn't find it amusing...I just preferred to go on living that day!)

Then at 18, Julie decided she wanted a tattoo. Again, we conceded and a lovely needle-point mural appeared on her lower back. Then the 'piece-de-resistance'...she came to Newfoundland at age 23 and visited a tattoo salon in St. John's where she did us and Philip 'real proud'! She had Philip, in his trade-mark style, print the word 'Scorekeeper' on a piece of paper and had it tattooed exactly as printed on her upper back. A magnificent testimony to a sister's love and pride in her brother. Our only concern as parents was...how is she going to explain to future men in her life this 'scorekeeper' business scribbled across her back? (Good luck Julie)